For some couples, the idea of self-isolating in their homes initially may have sounded wonderful. Watching movies, cooking meals, taking walks – all without the typical daily activities and demands getting in the way – could feel like a vacation. However, as the days turn to weeks, what began as a welcomed escape, may now be causing you and your partner to experience more stress and conflict than usual in your relationship (and if children are also in the house, it’s likely the stress is even higher).
Good communication is vital for ensuring that couples not only enjoy this time together, but for strengthening the relationship overall. Here are some quick tips for keeping your communication constructive and beneficial – during quarantine and beyond.
Practice Assertiveness and Active Listening
Healthy communication is always crucial in relationships, and now that couples are spending more time together, it becomes even more important. The good news? Being an effective communicator is a learnable skill! Couples can focus on two simple skills: calmly and directly stating your wants and needs while also respecting your partners wants and needs, and being a better listener.
When expressing your wants and needs in the relationship, share your feelings and thoughts calmly, clearly, and assertively. You can do this by using “I statements” such as “I feel XYZ” or “I want XYZ.” Be sure that your requests are constructive and respectful to increase the likelihood that your partner will receive the feedback well. Stay away from starting your sentences with “you always” or “you never.” By using “I statements,” we take responsibility for our own feelings instead of placing them on our partner, which can cause defensiveness or a negative emotional reaction.
As important as communicating your own needs, partners need to listen attentively without interruption and then restate what they heard. Try not to get caught up in your own thoughts while listening. Repeat back in your own words what you heard your partner communicate to ensure that you heard them correctly. By doing so, your partner will know that you understand them.
While one partner uses “I statements,” the other partner can practice their listening skills and vice versa. Being assertive and being an active listener are critical for improving communication for the long-haul.
Conflict Resolution
Conflict is inevitable, and we are all guilty of losing our cool sometimes with our partner. However, it is important to remember to fight fairly when conflict arises to deescalate the situation. When we can remain respectful during a disagreement and are able to resolve issues calmly, we strengthen the relationship.
One communication skill that is key for conflict resolution is knowing when to call a timeout. When things become too heated, we need to calm down and gather our thoughts so that they can be expressed in a more productive way. Otherwise we can quickly find ourselves saying things we don’t mean, yelling, being overly critical, interrupting, name calling, belittling, or shaming our partner.
When a timeout is called, take the time to relax and recoup from the emotional intensity. Going for a walk, reading, watching TV, deep breathing, or taking a bath are different ways to calm down. If possible, communicate a time you think you will be ready to continue the conversation in a more productive manner.
When the conversation resumes and you have pinpointed what you were thinking and feeling that became so difficult to discuss, be sure to use the “I statements” and active listening skills to help keep both of you calm as you work towards a resolution. Take the time to apologize when needed. If you recognize that you said something out of line, made a mistake, or lashed out at your partner, own it! By taking responsibility for your actions, you further diffuse the conflict at hand.
Practice Healthy Communication
Strengthen your relationship and communication skills by using this extra time together to your advantage. Spend time getting to know one another on a deeper level by learning new things about each other. The following resources are great places to start:
- You can download the free Gottman Card Decks App to facilitate in starting meaningful conversations.
- Relationship books, such as Getting the Love you Want and The 7 Principles to Making Marriage Work, are great choices for couples looking to enhance their relationship.
- Another option is considering a customized relationship assessment such as Prepare/Enrich, which is used for marriage counseling, marriage enrichment, and dating couples that are considering engagement. Prepare/Enrich is one of the most widely researched assessment tools that identifies strengths and growth areas in the relationship. Some of the areas assessed include communication styles, intimacy, financial management, shared interests, parenting, and role responsibilities. Contact a Prepare/Enrich Facilitator to get started and then have virtual feedback sessions from home.
Being confined to a small space together can be stressful for any couple, even for the most solid partnerships! Take this time during shelter-in-place to improve communication skills that can benefit and deepen your relationship.
Bond Buchanan, M.A., LMFT
Prepare/Enrich Facilitator
We recognize that many people find themselves confined to their home with their abuser. If you or someone you know needs help, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.