Month: April 2020

For some couples, the idea of self-isolating in their homes initially may have sounded wonderful. Watching movies, cooking meals, taking walks – all without the typical daily activities and demands getting in the way – could feel like a vacation. However, as the days turn to weeks, what began as a welcomed escape, may now be causing you and your partner to experience more stress and conflict than usual in your relationship (and if children are also in the house, it’s likely the stress is even higher).

Good communication is vital for ensuring that couples not only enjoy this time together, but for strengthening the relationship overall. Here are some quick tips for keeping your communication constructive and beneficial – during quarantine and beyond.

Practice Assertiveness and Active Listening

Healthy communication is always crucial in relationships, and now that couples are spending more time together, it becomes even more important.  The good news? Being an effective communicator is a learnable skill! Couples can focus on two simple skills: calmly and directly stating your wants and needs while also respecting your partners wants and needs, and being a better listener. 

When expressing your wants and needs in the relationship, share your feelings and thoughts calmly, clearly, and assertively. You can do this by using “I statements” such as “I feel XYZ” or “I want XYZ.” Be sure that your requests are constructive and respectful to increase the likelihood that your partner will receive the feedback well. Stay away from starting your sentences with “you always” or “you never.” By using “I statements,” we take responsibility for our own feelings instead of placing them on our partner, which can cause defensiveness or a negative emotional reaction.

As important as communicating your own needs, partners need to listen attentively without interruption and then restate what they heard. Try not to get caught up in your own thoughts while listening. Repeat back in your own words what you heard your partner communicate to ensure that you heard them correctly. By doing so, your partner will know that you understand them.  

While one partner uses “I statements,” the other partner can practice their listening skills and vice versa. Being assertive and being an active listener are critical for improving communication for the long-haul.

Conflict Resolution

Conflict is inevitable, and we are all guilty of losing our cool sometimes with our partner. However, it is important to remember to fight fairly when conflict arises to deescalate the situation. When we can remain respectful during a disagreement and are able to resolve issues calmly, we strengthen the relationship.

One communication skill that is key for conflict resolution is knowing when to call a timeout. When things become too heated, we need to calm down and gather our thoughts so that they can be expressed in a more productive way.  Otherwise we can quickly find ourselves saying things we don’t mean, yelling, being overly critical, interrupting, name calling, belittling, or shaming our partner.

When a timeout is called, take the time to relax and recoup from the emotional intensity. Going for a walk, reading, watching TV, deep breathing, or taking a bath are different ways to calm down. If possible, communicate a time you think you will be ready to continue the conversation in a more productive manner.

When the conversation resumes and you have pinpointed what you were thinking and feeling that became so difficult to discuss, be sure to use the “I statements” and active listening skills to help keep both of you calm as you work towards a resolution. Take the time to apologize when needed. If you recognize that you said something out of line, made a mistake, or lashed out at your partner, own it! By taking responsibility for your actions, you further diffuse the conflict at hand.

Practice Healthy Communication

Strengthen your relationship and communication skills by using this extra time together to your advantage. Spend time getting to know one another on a deeper level by learning new things about each other. The following resources are great places to start:

• You can download the free Gottman Card Decks App  to facilitate in starting meaningful conversations. 
• Relationship books, such as Getting the Love you Want and The 7 Principles to Making Marriage Work, are great choices for couples looking to enhance their relationship. 
• Another option is considering a customized relationship assessment such as Prepare/Enrich, which is used for marriage counseling, marriage enrichment, and dating couples that are considering engagement. Prepare/Enrich is one of the most widely researched assessment tools that identifies strengths and growth areas in the relationship. Some of the areas assessed include communication styles, intimacy, financial management, shared interests, parenting, and role responsibilities. Contact a Prepare/Enrich Facilitator to get started and then have virtual feedback sessions from home.

Being confined to a small space together can be stressful for any couple, even for the most solid partnerships! Take this time during shelter-in-place to improve communication skills that can benefit and deepen your relationship.

Bond Buchanan, M.A., LMFT

Prepare/Enrich Facilitator

We recognize that many people find themselves confined to their home with their abuser. If you or someone you know needs help, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. 

I was in a grocery store the first time I truly stopped to acknowledge the depths of my feelings as we live through COVID-19. Surrounded by my fellow customers in homemade face masks and staring at the store’s empty shelves, I noticed tightness in my chest and shallow breathing.  My mind was racing with the worry that I would not be able to provide for my family’s needs. As so many of us are experiencing right now, this thought provoked both anxiety and fear.

This experience was a wake-up call to myself for something I had been denying ─ the true psychological impact of our current situation on society and on us as individuals. It was not until I exhibited physical symptoms (racing heart and thoughts) of my own feelings that I could fully realize – and start to mitigate – the fear and anxiety that comes with uncertainty. 

It’s time to acknowledge the real impact of what is happening in our world in this moment. Most of us have experienced personal challenges or supported loved ones through their own difficulties. Our friends and family in the healthcare professions are confronting situations they never imagined. Our lives have changed rapidly in the matter of weeks and we are facing more uncertainty than ever before. 

All of these feelings – and the physical ways they present themselves ─ are normal. The most important thing we can do is to accept our fear, explore it, understand it, and work through it. Here are some techniques to practice as you confront your own anxieties.

• Commit to a daily practice. As our situation and the facts we are presented with evolve daily, we will likely need to check in with ourselves every day. New anxieties or fears may arise, but being mindful of our changing emotions allows us to further explore them.
• Be kind to yourself. When we name and accept our anxiety and fear, we can explore them with curiosity and compassion. We are able to face them and understand them in the moment without negatively judging ourselves. Understanding the emotions takes away their power.
• Check your facts. When I left the grocery store, I was able to identify the thought of not being able to provide for my family as just a thought, not a fact. I was able to get everything my family “needed” at the store, and I had the financial means to do so.  Once I “checked the facts” and could “talk back” to that thought, my related anxiety eased.  
• Then check your breathing. Use mindful breathing skills to activate the vagus nerve, letting your brain and body know that you are safe. I have used this process daily, in addition to a number of other mindfulness skills, since the first week of sheltering in place. If you would like to learn a few of my favorite mindfulness skills, check out Knowing Yoga’s “Calming Through the Breath and Senses” on YouTube. 

All of our lives have changed significantly in the past month. Let’s talk about it out loud with each other. Let’s acknowledge how we feel and allow ourselves to be vulnerable. This is how we will heal and grow.

We will continue to share different mindfulness, self-care, and coping skills with you on the MJCW blog. Make sure to click the subscribe button at the top of the page to receive email alerts when a new entry is posted.  

I wish all of you moments of stillness, quiet and calm.

Andrea Cunningham, M.S., LPC-S, CYT